layering | [locked to her girl friends]

I'd wondered if something had happened, so I'm not exactly surprised, but how's that going for you?

[Rachel doubts she'd make the point of writing an entry to them about it if she didn't want to discuss it.]

I figured you would have been able to tell. You're good like that. Detective!Rachel on the job. ;)

It's going okay? I think.

It's amazing to be with him like that. I just never thought of Ben as the guy you randomly make out with. Not in a 'I'm not attracted' to him way because I obviously am and have been for awhile.

Just

I don't know. I loved it, and there's a large part of me that wants to think of the simple side of it all. I loved it. It was awesome, and it'll probably happen again.

Now that's a career prospect I'd never considered. Guess I should tack that onto the list. :)

Okay.

I'm no expert on it as there's only ever been Noah for me and it's very different but... try to be careful?

I'm not saying it couldn't be simple. But it could get messy and I wouldn't want to see either of you get hurt.

You do that. You'd be awesome at it, and you're welcome. ;) By the way.

I know.

It feels a little like playing like fire.

I'll be careful. I promise.

I wouldn't want that either, and I wouldn't want it to get messy, but I know how it could.

Thank you kindly then. By the way.

It's ultimately your choice.

The feelings are out in the open and being as honest as possible is all that I can advise you on.

The rest and how and what you choose to do with your feelings is entirely up to you. I just love you and worry about you, you know? I want to see you happy.

:) You're welcome so kindly.

Yeah, I know.

[Ffff.] Thank you. You give the best advice. I'm hugging my journal right now. I hope you can feel it.

I love you too. More than words can express, Rachelness. I know you do. I know you do both of those things. You're an amazing person, Rachel.

I feel it. The waves of hugging and affection. I'm sending them right back. :)

And I don't know that it's the best advice. I can only tell you what I think but ultimately I'd want you to make your own decision as long as you're making it doing what's best for you, you know?

Because you're an amazing person yourself.

I genuinely think so. I hope you can feel that, too.

Good. I'd want you to feel it. :) I feel them right back. They are warm and fuzzy.

It is the best advice, I think. For our age, you rock at it anyway. I will make my own decision though, I promise. I don't think I could do anything else, but I know I need guidance sometimes.

Thanks, Rachelness.

I know you do, and I can. You never let me feel anything else from you.

I do, and I'm glad you feel them right back. And I'm glad you told me. More importantly, glad you had a good night.

Don't lose sight of that in spite of everything else. Well, guidance can still sometimes come in the way of ourselves. When we let things get in the way, it can get a bit cluttered but if we try hard and listen, really listen to ourselves, you'll find you don't... really need that guidance in the end.

Other than from yourself.

Good. I'm here for anything and whenever, okay? Love you.

I did. It was a really amazing night. You had a good night too, right? Nothing too horrible happening other than the stalker thing, but that was something that happened to Jeremy. So you could kind of step back and appreciate the hilarity of it as much as I am sympathetic to his plight.

I will try not to lose sight of that, but I'm not always the best at that. I can try that too, but I don't really trust my own... self guidance either or trust myself to trust what I'm hearing from myself? Something like that. I've made some fantastically, epic-ly bad decisions before listening to what I want.

I know you are. I love you too. So much.

I did! Of course I did. We were all together, that's pretty much all I need to knwo a good night's guaranteed, as long as everyone else is having fun. Oh, man. I heard about that. I was in the restroom when everything broke loose, but Ben told me about it later.

All we can ask of anyone is for them to try. I know, but there's what you want in the moment and there's what you know is best for you. They're not always the same thing. And those fantastically, epic-ly bad decisions can be learned from, Jess.

Sooner or later you're going to have to learn to trust yourself a bit more.

Yeah, that's usually all I need to know for the same. Everyone had a really good time, and it was overall an awesome night. Yeah, it was pretty wow. There aren't words for that kind of crazy.

It is. I know. I keep reminding myself of that. It's hard for me to tell the difference though sometimes which makes me seem like I'm completely out of touch with reality or something. I will try to peel back the layers of the onion a la Jess. They can be or so they say. I want to learn from them.

Maybe. At least a little more.

It sounds like.

I feel bad for the poor guy. It could get really ugly really fast, but I'm hoping it's the kind of crazy that might go away with time, or might actually be intimidated by the thought of restraining orders and arrests, if nothing else.

You're not out of touch with reality. [small smile] Emotions are just tricky like that. Layers and layers of them make them a little bit trickier.

What mistake exactly are you scared of repeating?

Yeah, I'm hoping that it would be the same. Jeremy doesn't deserve that kind of stuff, but I don't know if anything will work beyond just physically keeping her from me.

The layers that we talked about. I am an onion. ;) Yeah, they do make it trickier all the time.

Pretty much the million or so that I made with Erik. Among many, many others.

I know I should learn from them. Maybe someday I will.

Seriously. I don't envy his position at all, but I'm still hoping it all resolves with minimal damage done. She seems... not harmless, obviously, as stalking is not harmless, but genuinely out of her mind, so I can't quite not be sympathetic to an extent.

You are a very lovely onion, yes. :)

You don't have to be that person anymore.

It's up to you. It always has been.

She seems as harmless as a stalker can seem, I think. I hope it ends up for the best how ever it ends up.

Thank you very much. :) I try.

I know.

Thank you, Rachel. <3

I know you do.

You're welcome, Jess. <3

I knew you'd both been gone for way too long from the party.

Don't think I didn't notice. ;) He's a cutie.

Hey, fresh air was needed. ;)

Or something.

Yeah, he is. He's the best guy that I know, which is why I'm trying to be super careful.

Completely understandable. ;)

Careful about what? [emotionally-challenged Sarah is emotionally-challenged. ;x]

Careful about hurting his feelings.

I can be pretty good at that if I'm not careful and I don't want to do that, you know? Especially not to him.

[rjkel;a baw Sarah ;;]

Oh. [that makes sense ;;] I understand not wanting to hurt his feelings, and I guess more than friendship can get tricky that way, but I think it helps you're already so close?

You know each other well, and it might not be so hard to find a balance between careful and too careful or not careful enough.

If that even makes sense. I'm pretty hopeless at this.

It does make sense.

I'm incredibly hopeless at this myself, but you know I think hopelessness is to be expected. At our age. It's a wonder we know how to put on our clothes and leave in the afternoon.

It helps that we know each other as well as we do, and it makes it harder too. I mean I'm being more careful because I know and love him so well already.

But sometimes I just want things and I want to say fuck the careful, let me do this anyway even though it's a bad idea.

That's true. I still wish I had something better than that to offer you.

Okay, well I think what you need to ask yourself then is, if you do say fuck the careful in this instance, what's the worst and the best that could happen?

And then make the decision that you know you'll be able live with.

For the both of you.

Edited 2011-11-15 08:19 (UTC)

You offer me alot just by listening. Seriously. I'm not always good at the being open with how I am feeling thing.

Fff, see, that's good advice. I will do that. It might be hard to figure out which one is the right one, but I think it'll be better than not really thinking about this at all.

Which is what my instinct says. Don't think, just do. Which no, in the long run, where I am concerned anyway (it works for a lot of people but not me), that's not a good thing to do, not with Ben, not if I don't want to hurt him.

Seeing as how I am really not good with being open about it myself, I know how that goes and am honored.

And will listen whenever and wherever. :)

I think if it didn't matter so much, it wouldn't be hard. It's always going to be a risk either way. It's good you know what works for you. I'd say that's a step up from not knowing. Sometimes it's the not knowing that can get at you.

I don't know. I'm bad at this like I said, but if there's anything I've learned as an angel of death is people tend to regret what they didn't let themselves do, for whatever reason.

Thank you. :) You're a really cool person, Sarah, and I seriously appreciate it.

Yeah, that's true. If it were all easy, it wouldn't matter. I mean I have been with guys before, and I never really put any thought into it, but Ben matters to me more than any guy has before. But the guy in my last and really only official relationship mattered, and I screwed that up.

But I definitely will keep that in mind. Thank you. I don't usually live with regrets but I do have a few. I don't want to pile on any more.

The past doesn't have to define you though, does it? It changes you and it can help with what you do next but it isn't who you have to be anymore if you don't want.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone screws up sometimes.

It doesn't mean you don't deserve good things, and I mean that in a general sense not a relationship sense.

No, it's not really that it's defining me, but it's complicated. I don't know if I can put it to words.

But I know what you mean. It's not even like I think that those mistakes are who I am. Just I am who I am. Which sounds like an excuse and maybe it is. I don't know. Just I do get what you're saying, and thank you.

Thank you. You deserve good things too, and I hope we both get them. I really do.

You don't have to. Complicated works, and if something really matters, it's going to be that much harder to know what to do. You don't need to explain it to me. I don't think it sounds like an excuse. I think it sounds like you really care.

I'll hope so, too.

I'm here if you need to talk some more.

[locked to her girl friends]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject