[locked to her girl friends]

[layering]

Guess who made out with Ben at the Halloween party?

No, it was not The Stalker.

I know that was the conclusion that you both automatically jumped to.

Comments

[edgeofhorizons.livejournal.com]

Careful about hurting his feelings.

I can be pretty good at that if I'm not careful and I don't want to do that, you know? Especially not to him.

[rjkel;a baw Sarah ;;]

[allthesigns.livejournal.com]

Oh. [that makes sense ;;] I understand not wanting to hurt his feelings, and I guess more than friendship can get tricky that way, but I think it helps you're already so close?

You know each other well, and it might not be so hard to find a balance between careful and too careful or not careful enough.

If that even makes sense. I'm pretty hopeless at this.

[edgeofhorizons.livejournal.com]

It does make sense.

I'm incredibly hopeless at this myself, but you know I think hopelessness is to be expected. At our age. It's a wonder we know how to put on our clothes and leave in the afternoon.

It helps that we know each other as well as we do, and it makes it harder too. I mean I'm being more careful because I know and love him so well already.

But sometimes I just want things and I want to say fuck the careful, let me do this anyway even though it's a bad idea.

[allthesigns.livejournal.com]

That's true. I still wish I had something better than that to offer you.

Okay, well I think what you need to ask yourself then is, if you do say fuck the careful in this instance, what's the worst and the best that could happen?

And then make the decision that you know you'll be able live with.

For the both of you.

[edgeofhorizons.livejournal.com]

You offer me alot just by listening. Seriously. I'm not always good at the being open with how I am feeling thing.

Fff, see, that's good advice. I will do that. It might be hard to figure out which one is the right one, but I think it'll be better than not really thinking about this at all.

Which is what my instinct says. Don't think, just do. Which no, in the long run, where I am concerned anyway (it works for a lot of people but not me), that's not a good thing to do, not with Ben, not if I don't want to hurt him.

[allthesigns.livejournal.com]

Seeing as how I am really not good with being open about it myself, I know how that goes and am honored.

And will listen whenever and wherever. :)

I think if it didn't matter so much, it wouldn't be hard. It's always going to be a risk either way. It's good you know what works for you. I'd say that's a step up from not knowing. Sometimes it's the not knowing that can get at you.

I don't know. I'm bad at this like I said, but if there's anything I've learned as an angel of death is people tend to regret what they didn't let themselves do, for whatever reason.

[edgeofhorizons.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) You're a really cool person, Sarah, and I seriously appreciate it.

Yeah, that's true. If it were all easy, it wouldn't matter. I mean I have been with guys before, and I never really put any thought into it, but Ben matters to me more than any guy has before. But the guy in my last and really only official relationship mattered, and I screwed that up.

But I definitely will keep that in mind. Thank you. I don't usually live with regrets but I do have a few. I don't want to pile on any more.

[allthesigns.livejournal.com]

The past doesn't have to define you though, does it? It changes you and it can help with what you do next but it isn't who you have to be anymore if you don't want.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone screws up sometimes.

It doesn't mean you don't deserve good things, and I mean that in a general sense not a relationship sense.

[edgeofhorizons.livejournal.com]

No, it's not really that it's defining me, but it's complicated. I don't know if I can put it to words.

But I know what you mean. It's not even like I think that those mistakes are who I am. Just I am who I am. Which sounds like an excuse and maybe it is. I don't know. Just I do get what you're saying, and thank you.

Thank you. You deserve good things too, and I hope we both get them. I really do.

[allthesigns.livejournal.com]

You don't have to. Complicated works, and if something really matters, it's going to be that much harder to know what to do. You don't need to explain it to me. I don't think it sounds like an excuse. I think it sounds like you really care.

I'll hope so, too.

I'm here if you need to talk some more.